honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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