the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
