I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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