I'm gonna have a badass scar
someone get that fucking seahorse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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