I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
