she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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