The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We need to rekindle our bromance
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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