don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
