Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
