you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
