Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
why do cheetos always look like penises
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I touched a dick in church today
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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