I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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