and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All the doctor said was why
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
