I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't deserve a penis
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
