There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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