Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
