You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
