I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
