guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
