Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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