I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
