i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
im about as happy as oj after his trial
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
