his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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