I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
