Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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