whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
