i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
