ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
