And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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