he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
