My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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