My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize