the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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