i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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