woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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