I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
