It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
