if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
