my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
