Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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