You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize