he wants to bone in the snuggie
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize