i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
