totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
