look no pants
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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