You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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