I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
