how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
