I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
