I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
