You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
