party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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