What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
