Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
