But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
