Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
