I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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