My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
