if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Everclear isn't food dammit
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
