At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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