Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
