I didn't shave. On purpose
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We left the knife in your bed.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
