My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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