I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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